The world is filled with deadly pathogens. Right now, public health authorities are grappling with outbreaks of hantavirus and ebola and preparing for the next global pandemic. Even Ramaz suffers from its own terrifying plague, the Math Test Virus (MTV). Hantavirus spreads through rats. Ebola through monkeys. COVID through bats (or virologists). The MTV spawns from an even darker source: math tests. The day before math tests, large portions of the student body suddenly fall ill with this virulent pathogen and are rendered physically incapable of attending school. At this indefinite time, the future is very negative. It is not hyperbole to say that this disease is spreading exponentially. Struck down in their prime, the afflicted students remain horizontal, unable to join their healthy peers.
Adding to our fears, the disease is highly variable. Like the many variants of COVID, the MTV has its share of mutations. The illness that plagues the student body before biology tests is a strain of the MTV, while a more relentless, mutated variant tends to emerge before physics exams. However, the most severe wave of the MTV came on May 11th, the day before AP precalc, when seemingly half of the junior class was out with MTV.
Some students are particularly susceptible to the disease. An anonymous student who is a chronic sufferer of repeated MTV infections, described his ongoing battle with the virus.“I just can’t help it, every time there is a math test, I fall ill the day before. I guess I’m just cursed.”
When asked about the math department’s response to the MTV, Dr Nironi said, “We are deeply concerned about the MTV pandemic. However, as math tests are vital to the development of ‘prestigious’ Ramaz students, getting rid of them is simply not an option, so it seems that students will continue to get sick.” On the other hand, Mrs.Vulakh has taken the liberty to focus on the positive aspects of the disease; “the fewer children at a time in my classroom the better.” After all, as she always says “silence is golden and duct tape is silver” and fewer children do warrant less duct tape. Simple logic, isn’t it?
Curing MTV may not be the best course of action, though. If students were to stop falling ill the day before math tests, they might face even more dire consequences: getting less than an A on their math tests. Can you imagine the looks of horror on the students’ faces? The number of calls and emails from parents after the release of grades would surely overwhelm the system. Perhaps the cure is worse than the disease.
Remarkably, after seemingly being on death’s doorstep the day before, the MTV patients usually recover just in time for the test. However, for an unlucky few, the illness lingers far longer, postponing the ultimate (or not so ultimate) day of judgement to an indeterminate future. Rather than aid the healing of the student body, the math department hits them with an even stronger remedy – the impossible make-up test.
One suggestion for managing the MTV is to reinstitute the mask requirement. While this would undoubtedly help control one of Ramaz’s greatest crises—hot air problem—that topic must be deferred to a later time. Unfortunately, a research study done under the guidance of Dr. Rotenberg revealed that masks are completely insufficient in protecting against the truancy effects of upcoming math tests. Dr. Rotenberg said, “The Math Test Virus is among the most stubborn viruses that I have seen in all my years at Ramaz. My solution has worked the best so far, giving quizzes in small doses to build up immunity” (or perhaps slowly drain the life out of students).
It has gotten so bad that the administration is at a complete loss. In desperation, Rabbi Frank has started adding names of those infected to his daily 4am post. The Pasuk of Prayer now contains a list of students longer than the Pasuk itself. Meanwhile, Ms. Bernfeld has relented, stating, “This is beyond the scope of my job.” If only this were as simple as late arrivals and dress code.
Over the summer, students can count on one thing: the administration will have all hands on deck, tirelessly developing a complex concoction of rules and regulations intended to suppress the spread of MTV.
